Saturday, August 11, 2018
Friday, August 10, 2018
I went to Vietnam to find closure
As some know, my first wife was Vietnamese. She was a refugee, born in Quang Nam, Vietnam. She left Vietnam as a refugee by boat some years after the fall of Saigon to the revolution/war for unification.
I loved her dearly and I suppose I still do, but while we were compatible in many ways, her dreams for her life and my dreams for my life clashed. The result was that I began to fall for someone else who turned out to be a vile pig, but that's another story. I never cheated on her while we were married. In fact, the first time I slept with someone else was after she filed for divorce (at my request). The same, I know, cannot be said for her. While she had many virtues, she had many defects as well, some in her character and some the result of the experience of being a refugee. I too had many defects and I do not fault her for being disappointed in me. I was too young and I had too many issues to fix in my own character and my own emotional well being.
Our friendship endured after we broke up, but it came to an end when she informed me that she had fallen into the circle of some of my enemies. She also made a long string of statements, most of which were false, about my intentions and about my history. More importantly, she decided to hurt me with words that still stab me in the heart, even today. I decided to part ways with her in 1996 due to that conversation, but in my usual style, I did it in a way designed to avoid hurting her with my own thoughts and assessment of her, just as I urged her to divorce me, rather than the other way around, so that she could always say it was her decision.
My way of coping, for better or worse, is to submerge the memories and emotions of things with which I cannot cope until a time when temporal and spatial distance allows me to address them. Had I decided to confront her last statements to me at that time, I would have been unable to carry on with my life. I would not have married someone else, had a daughter, and carried on with my life. I chose the path that was best for me - ending our friendship. I have not spoken to her since then.
When we were married, I had always wanted to visit Vietnam with her. I wanted to see where she was born, grew up, and lived. When our relationship ended, I thought I would never visit her country.
Now, more than 20 years later, single again and hoping to move on to a new relationship, I decided it was time to confront these memories and this history once and for all. For all of these years, I have avoided Vietnamese food and, for the most part, Vietnamese people because I did not want either of those experiences to provoke memories and provoke me to reexamine our history until I was ready to do so.
I went to Vietnam, alone, to confront this history. Where else would I be unable to avoid the triggers of those memories than Vietnam? By going alone, I would be free to cry when I needed to, free to torture myself with stimuli that would bring back those memories, and contemplate the past.
I flew to Ho Chi Minh City from Taiwan. It was like a dream. On the way to my hotel, a beautiful five star hotel, I was overwhelmed with the sights, sounds, and smells. I knew I would never be the same again.
The Vietnamese have done very well since she left. The communist government has built up Vietnam. It is modern, technologically advanced, and bustling with economic activity. I am happy for them that they won the war against the American invaders and have found their own destiny.
One of the things that truly disappointed me about my ex was that she refused to teach me Vietnamese. It is a difficult language for Westerners due to hit's tonal qualities. Vietnamese lessons in Boston when we were together were impossible to find. I came to realize that she did not want me to learn Vietnamese so that she could talk in front of me without my understanding. She did it for the purposes of deception. In fact, she was very deceptive throughout our relationship. She used my as her universal "get out of jail card." To a cop that pulled her over for speeding, she claimed she was on the way to the hospital because I had an emergency. I was in work at the time and well. Another time, she crashed her car into a street signal and left without filing a report. She fabricated an accident at another location to avoid fault while seeking insurance payment. Someone reported her to the police for hitting the road signal. The police came to confront her. I was in California this whole time and she was in Massachusetts. She told the police that I was on my way to the airport, in a hurry, to go to California and that it was me that had had that accident. After reporting me for this hit-and-run that I had no part in nor knowledge of (I was 3,000 miles away), she then hid it from me, controlling access to the mail to deal with the consequences behind my back, in my name.
There are dozens of other such incidents. I am sure I only know about a few of them.
She opposed my desires to explore the world. Returned travel clothes I had purchased, to the store, without my knowledge, until I went to find them and they were gone, I had no idea that she had returned them. I could go on an on, but it is absolutely clear that she intended to keep me as her prisoner and make me live the stable life she had not had. I, on the other hand, had had a stable life and wanted to explore the world. It could not work.
Even my desire to learn more she thwarted. She opposed by pursuit of a philosophy degree. I only completed that degree after we broke up. She wanted me ignorant, untraveled, and easy to deceive.
Despite all of this, I loved her more than I have loved any other woman, until now, at least.
Everywhere I went in Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) brought back to my mind stories she had told me. I had flashbacks at every turn. However, I could and did handle it well. I have seen much of the world now and I've been in places far more dangerous. I am tough.
I do not want to go into every detail of my visit to Vietnam. I had a lot of experiences. I met many people. I found myself in situations that reminded me very much of my ex. At times I would feel overwhelmed by emotion, but I handled it.
I visited her place of birth. I went to the same beaches she went to. I ate the foods she ate. It was a complete immersion experience.
I was amazed that despite her efforts, I had learned enough Vietnamese to impress the locals.
When I left Vietnam, I left my love for her behind. While she might not have returned to Vietnam (I do not know), that part of me that was hers is now forever left in Quang Nam. I'm done with it. I'm done with her. I have no regrets that our relationship ended. It is my greatest desire that she have a good and happy life of the kind she desired. As for myself, I have the good and happy life I sought, and I did it without her.
I loved her dearly and I suppose I still do, but while we were compatible in many ways, her dreams for her life and my dreams for my life clashed. The result was that I began to fall for someone else who turned out to be a vile pig, but that's another story. I never cheated on her while we were married. In fact, the first time I slept with someone else was after she filed for divorce (at my request). The same, I know, cannot be said for her. While she had many virtues, she had many defects as well, some in her character and some the result of the experience of being a refugee. I too had many defects and I do not fault her for being disappointed in me. I was too young and I had too many issues to fix in my own character and my own emotional well being.
Our friendship endured after we broke up, but it came to an end when she informed me that she had fallen into the circle of some of my enemies. She also made a long string of statements, most of which were false, about my intentions and about my history. More importantly, she decided to hurt me with words that still stab me in the heart, even today. I decided to part ways with her in 1996 due to that conversation, but in my usual style, I did it in a way designed to avoid hurting her with my own thoughts and assessment of her, just as I urged her to divorce me, rather than the other way around, so that she could always say it was her decision.
My way of coping, for better or worse, is to submerge the memories and emotions of things with which I cannot cope until a time when temporal and spatial distance allows me to address them. Had I decided to confront her last statements to me at that time, I would have been unable to carry on with my life. I would not have married someone else, had a daughter, and carried on with my life. I chose the path that was best for me - ending our friendship. I have not spoken to her since then.
When we were married, I had always wanted to visit Vietnam with her. I wanted to see where she was born, grew up, and lived. When our relationship ended, I thought I would never visit her country.
Now, more than 20 years later, single again and hoping to move on to a new relationship, I decided it was time to confront these memories and this history once and for all. For all of these years, I have avoided Vietnamese food and, for the most part, Vietnamese people because I did not want either of those experiences to provoke memories and provoke me to reexamine our history until I was ready to do so.
I went to Vietnam, alone, to confront this history. Where else would I be unable to avoid the triggers of those memories than Vietnam? By going alone, I would be free to cry when I needed to, free to torture myself with stimuli that would bring back those memories, and contemplate the past.
I flew to Ho Chi Minh City from Taiwan. It was like a dream. On the way to my hotel, a beautiful five star hotel, I was overwhelmed with the sights, sounds, and smells. I knew I would never be the same again.
The Vietnamese have done very well since she left. The communist government has built up Vietnam. It is modern, technologically advanced, and bustling with economic activity. I am happy for them that they won the war against the American invaders and have found their own destiny.
One of the things that truly disappointed me about my ex was that she refused to teach me Vietnamese. It is a difficult language for Westerners due to hit's tonal qualities. Vietnamese lessons in Boston when we were together were impossible to find. I came to realize that she did not want me to learn Vietnamese so that she could talk in front of me without my understanding. She did it for the purposes of deception. In fact, she was very deceptive throughout our relationship. She used my as her universal "get out of jail card." To a cop that pulled her over for speeding, she claimed she was on the way to the hospital because I had an emergency. I was in work at the time and well. Another time, she crashed her car into a street signal and left without filing a report. She fabricated an accident at another location to avoid fault while seeking insurance payment. Someone reported her to the police for hitting the road signal. The police came to confront her. I was in California this whole time and she was in Massachusetts. She told the police that I was on my way to the airport, in a hurry, to go to California and that it was me that had had that accident. After reporting me for this hit-and-run that I had no part in nor knowledge of (I was 3,000 miles away), she then hid it from me, controlling access to the mail to deal with the consequences behind my back, in my name.
There are dozens of other such incidents. I am sure I only know about a few of them.
She opposed my desires to explore the world. Returned travel clothes I had purchased, to the store, without my knowledge, until I went to find them and they were gone, I had no idea that she had returned them. I could go on an on, but it is absolutely clear that she intended to keep me as her prisoner and make me live the stable life she had not had. I, on the other hand, had had a stable life and wanted to explore the world. It could not work.
Even my desire to learn more she thwarted. She opposed by pursuit of a philosophy degree. I only completed that degree after we broke up. She wanted me ignorant, untraveled, and easy to deceive.
Despite all of this, I loved her more than I have loved any other woman, until now, at least.
Everywhere I went in Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) brought back to my mind stories she had told me. I had flashbacks at every turn. However, I could and did handle it well. I have seen much of the world now and I've been in places far more dangerous. I am tough.
I do not want to go into every detail of my visit to Vietnam. I had a lot of experiences. I met many people. I found myself in situations that reminded me very much of my ex. At times I would feel overwhelmed by emotion, but I handled it.
I visited her place of birth. I went to the same beaches she went to. I ate the foods she ate. It was a complete immersion experience.
I was amazed that despite her efforts, I had learned enough Vietnamese to impress the locals.
When I left Vietnam, I left my love for her behind. While she might not have returned to Vietnam (I do not know), that part of me that was hers is now forever left in Quang Nam. I'm done with it. I'm done with her. I have no regrets that our relationship ended. It is my greatest desire that she have a good and happy life of the kind she desired. As for myself, I have the good and happy life I sought, and I did it without her.